Celebrity Skinned

Infringe

Wed, 10 Mar 2010 00:00:00 -0800

Is Fringe an X-Files knock-off? Is the monster-of-the-week format owned exclusively by Chris Carter? Does the average viewer know the difference between paranormal and fringe science? Can you have an FBI unit, devoted to sci-fi cases, without thinking of Mulder and Scully? And don't get me started on Lance Reddick, the black Walter Skinner.

Its forth-wall-breaking location titles, set in J.J. Abrams Sans-serif, raise some interesting questions, the least of which being: did they give the makers of Panic Room credit?

Originally I heard the show billed as a procedural crime drama, like CSI but with fictional forensics (CSI's questionable realism not withstanding). In actuality, the entire show is a front to smuggle Australian actors into Vancouver.

One of these Aussies, John Noble, is the real standout on the show (a bunged-up boobaloo as they might say). Like Vincent Price, John Colicos, and Martin Landau, he is a ghoulish character actor; cadaverous, tactless, and perverse.

Will Fringe have legs long enough to jump the shark? Will there be, like X-Files, a protracted eighth and ninth season? The biggest enemy to the show is Fox (the network not the Mulder), who simultaneously loves and hates science fiction on television. They put out more sci-fi shows than any other network but are quick to throw them into the Friday Night Thunderdome, where they quickly die. But who better to survive the Thunderdome than a bunch of Australians?

The Rupert Jee Spot

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

David Letterman stood up to a blackmailer but everyone decided to cover the old man sex angle. Was there really any doubt that the guy who pervs on Hollywood debutantes for a living, would be tapping the interns? This isn't Jay Leno we're talking about. Dave is dark, depressed, and self-loathing. He makes Bill Murray look like a ray of sunshine. It would be scandalous if there wasn't infidelity in his life.

Is Letterman suddenly a hypocrite for decades ridiculing public figures caught with their pants down? Would we have our late night talk show hosts censor themselves to prevent such hypocrisy? That would mean no more gay jokes from Jimmy Fallon and Conan couldn't poke fun at child rape. Roman Polanski is back in the news and Conan just darts his eyes back-and-forth nervously. "Give this guy a break - he's made some terrific films." Beads of sweat form on his giant, waxy head...

Hasbromancer

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Jennifer's Body went down faster than Diablo Cody at Tarantino's house. Since all girls hate Megan Fox and all guys would feel more comfortable buying a ticket to Ass Spankers 27, it's no surprise. This comes on the heals of the Transformers crew labeling her "trailer trash". That's about as obvious as me calling Ass Spankers 27 a "raucous ass-spanking thrill ride".

I'm of the opinion that movies should only be criticized in relation to their intended audience. This is how Transformers 2: Rise of The Fallen or whatever it's called, having delivered everything it promised (robots, explosions, racism, etc.) to its intended audience of brain-dead morons, could garner my thumbs up.

The actual scene satirized in the first panel of this comic featured right-handed Fox mounting a motorcycle, airbrushing a pin-up illustration with her left hand. Airbrushing is a time-consuming, meticulous craft, involving masks and friskets, and it's much easier to do when the gas tank is off the frame. It would be more plausible if she was painting an exact replica of The Mona Lisa with a paintball gun... with her feet.

This strip concludes my extremely un-timely summer movie series. At least I beat the DVD release, right?

Finding Nimoy

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0700

J. J. Abrams' Star Trek was covertly designed to placate the fans; its entire plot a cinematic no prize, a quantum mechanical reboot. Were they to simply recount Kirk and Spock's early days there could be no dramatic tension. We know how it ends. We've seen Kirk's straight blond hair turn brown and curly. We've seen him die, an old man, in a bizarre catwalk collapse.

I've postulated a sequel even more mired in continuity corrections, where even the disparate appearances between re-cast actors is explained away.

William Shatner's hair is a follicular legend. Like John Travolta, Nicolas Cage, and Bret Michaels, there has always been suspicion that a tribble-like toupee was involved. In the bald community, wearing such a "hair replacement system" is, of course, a treasonous offense. But if he were a violator, I say let Picard carry that burden. Kirk makes the rug look too good.

I'm of the opinion that Star Trek, and its 726 hours of television, is about the enlightened aspirations of humanity: science, tolerance, and peaceful resolutions. The Star Trek feature films are ostensibly about revenge (see 2,7,8,9,10, and the latest) - hardly an enlightened concept. That said, it was nice to see Trek get the big budget treatment. Perhaps in the forthcoming sequel the entire two hours will be an existential rumination on the duality of man... with lens flares of course.

Jon and Kate's Infinite Math Pun

Sun, 16 Aug 2009 00:00:00 -0700

One thing I can say about Jon & Kate Plus 8, the depressing reality show, is that it's boring as hell. The few episodes I've seen all seem to be about dragging the kids off to make cupcakes. Every single one of them. The recent tabloid scandal, on the other hand, was interesting enough to warrant 27 consecutive Us Weekly covers. It even inspired its own asymmetrical hairstyle!

In the first episodes of their fifth season, things went from boring to uncomfortable as the nature of the separation slowly revealed itself. A revolving door of guest appearances by TLC's finest personalities attempted to disguise Jon's disappearance. Kat Von D even showed up to give Kate a tramp stamp. But then the announcement was finally made, leaving bloggers cracking the math books for a punchline:

Jon Minus Kate Plus Eight
Jon Minus Kate, Caught Out Late
Jon Minus Kate Plus Skank
Jon Minus Kate Minus Eight Plus Some Other Chick (my personal favorite)
Jon Minus Kate Plus a Fatty Blunt (I have no idea)
Jon Minus Kate Plus One Lesbian Times Eight Pictures Divided By An Ex Equals Craptastic! (this one really got out of hand)

Thornton Hears The Who

Wed, 20 May 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Billy Bob Thornton, the musician, caused a bit of a scene on the Canadian radio show Q TV with Jian Ghomeshi. Ghomeshi had the audacity to bring up the fact that Billy Bob is a famous actor. This caused Billy Bob to go all Joaquin for several minutes until Ghomeshi's transgression was finally revealed.

Thornton joins a long line of douchebags that can't wrap their heads around the notion that people wouldn't see Dogstar or 30 Seconds to Mars if it weren't because of Keanu Reeves or Jared Leto respectively. If you want to be an actress, don't be a pornstar first. People will never forget it. And if you want to be respected as a musician, for heaven's sake, be good. This is just common sense. At least The Bacon Brothers have the decency to put it in their name.

An alternate scenario puts Tom Petty in the hot seat at Inside The Actor's Studio. Before going into Petty's groundbreaking acting career in Kevin Costner's The Postman, James Lipton prefaces the interview, mentioning his footnote musical accomplishments "Into the Great Wide Open" and "American Girl". Petty of course goes ape shit.

Is Joaquin Phoenix's act starting to make sense? These actor-cum-musicians are worthy of parody but they certainly aren't worth listening to.

Face Time!

Sun, 12 Apr 2009 00:00:00 -0700

I seem to have a mutant super power. Far less useful than telekinesis or invisibility, I have the ability to pick runner-ups in reality television shows. Still better than Aquaman though...

Farewell, Mindy. You lost to a horse-faced woman with breasts the size of small moons, and a voice like an engine running without oil.

Never Go Full Retard

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 00:00:00 -0700

We haven't had a president stick his foot in his mouth this bad for at least four months. And isn't that exactly the kind of joke Leno would tell?

Obama had the audacity to suggest contestants in Special Olympics are lower-scoring than their non-special counterparts. Of course, if there wasn't that distinction, you'd have guys in wheelchairs getting mowed down by Shaquille O'Neil - and basketball would be THE BEST SPORT EVER.

Since bowling consists of rolling a polished stone down a narrow lane, is this really the sport you want to hinge your argument on?. It's more of a sport than darts but somewhat less of a sport than hanging from a chin-up bar for twenty seconds. This is the sport where four-year-old girls luck-out and get strikes. You don't see these girls accidentally hitting three-pointers. If you did, basketball would be THE BEST SPORT EVER.

Could Barack have truly faced the conundrum presented in this comic? Where does a black man go when faced with an exception to his most holy stereotype? Kolan McConiughey, an amazing bowler from Ann Arbor, has the distinction of being both mentally handicapped and black, throwing the argument completely out the window. Of course, you could go with your third option: skip offending minorities and go straight to offending the 51% majority. Now, that's an executive decision - and an inoffensive wrap up truly worthy of Jay Leno.

Show Some Dharma Initiative

Thu, 19 Mar 2009 00:00:00 -0700

LOST fan speculation has reached a frenzy. The recent reveal of the island's enormous Egyptian statue made heads explode across the country. Is it Anubis, the god of the underworld? Or possibly Taweret, an anthropomorphic hippopotamus fertility goddess? You know things have gotten out of hand when people start talking about anthropomorphic hippopotamus fertility goddesses.

If you don't watch LOST, you probably won't find this comic any funnier than those that do. To catch you up to speed, in the current fifth season, the show has descended into a full-blown time travel epic. LOST has added the Frozen Donkey Wheel to the pantheon of great time machines: DeLoreans, crossing proton-pack streams, traversing the sun at warp speed, etc. The lostaways have infiltrated the Dharma Initiative in 1977 and we have no doubt that shit will go down.

Hurley's new role as Dharma chef (as indicated by his well labeled jumpsuit) seems a bit apropos. Perhaps he will invent the McRib or more likely the Hot Pocket.

The Thorn

Sun, 01 Mar 2009 00:00:00 -0800

What is Bret Michaels hiding under that bandanna (and more recently, a bandanna/hat combo)? There are a couple possibilities:

He's hiding a perfect head of hair and wears the bandanna as a visual trademark.
He's hiding a full-on Jean-Luc Picard.
He's hiding hair plugs.
He's hiding a short haircut that one would expect from a 45-year-old man in 2009 and uses hair extensions to simulate a flowing cock-rock mane that one would expect from a 25-year-old man in 1985.
He's hiding a conjoined twin who goes by the name Kuato.

My obsession with 80s sci-fi action flicks knows no bounds.

Bret's reality show has been entertaining in the past, solely as an exercise in whoreish depravity. With the current third season, Rock of Love Bus, a woman serving another woman a tequila shot out of her hoo-haw has become predictable. Even Bret looks bored, knowing the true love he finds will inevitably be ended for the fourth season to begin.

In tradition of reality competitions in the past, I need to place my wager on the ultimate winner. Many have already been eliminated. The token black girl, Natasha, went far longer than black women have gone before, only to be dismissed under suspicion that she was actually a dude. Beverly seems like the obvious choice, because inexplicably, she listens to his music. But I'm putting my money on Mindy. She's in it to win it.

Mom Jeans

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 00:00:00 -0800

Jessica Simpson performed at a chili cook-off sporting some serious chunkage. In all fairness, those mom jeans would make Nicole Richie look fat (she's still skinny, right?). And her belt was some kind of double-belt, suggesting she was so fat she needed two (much like your mom). Leopard patterns and a muffin-top finished off the humiliation.

Perhaps her manager and lecherous father, Joe Simpson, forced her to eat a barrel of cream cheese to better connect with her new country music audience. When 50 Cent's rap career putters out he'll strap on the cowboy boots too - you just watch.

Meanwhile, Kim Kardashian used Fatgate as an opportunity to exist. Unlike Jessica, Kim's giant ass could only be explained as a mutation. Far less glamorous than tails and webbed-feet, it will be the disproportionate booty that all humans will have in a million years.

All things considered, if Ashlee's post-Bronx-Mowgli tightening is any genetic indication, I imagine Jessica will bounce back to her fighting weight in no time.

Hannah Melodrama

Sun, 28 Dec 2008 00:00:00 -0800

There was a time when having a large family was paramount to survival. You needed kids to help out on the farm. Now-a-days, putting little Timmy to work in the field, or in a mine, has been supplanted by putting him to work on The Disney Channel. Never has there been a more sophisticated whore-generating machine (unless you count this guy's lab).

Billy Ray Cyrus, having blown his riches on the world's most expensive Rachel, has turned to pimping out his daughter, in exchange for a recurring role and a Chris Gaines style soul patch. So now Miley's 16, "hanging out" with a 20-year-old underwear model, and it's time dad gives her the talk. This "talk" being illustrated above.

I, like most sixty-year-old women, blame this whole thing on the hormones they put in beef - not overly permissive parents. Statutory rape just means staying true to their country roots. Yee haw!

Wag The Dog

Thu, 18 Dec 2008 00:00:00 -0800

Now it's all coming together. Aniston is doing a dog movie. She's entered Charles Grodin territory!

Is it possible, in an effort to sell the one hundredth dog movie of 2008 to the studio, the producers concocted an elaborate cross-promotional effort involving mass tabloid publicity echoing the events of the film? Could her current visibility with John Mayer, on magazine covers, on Oprah, all be a scam? The commercials have the irrefutable proof: the main characters are named John and Jen, they make out in swimming pools, and finally, he's constantly emasculated. All this for a dog movie?

In Space No One Can Hear You Scheme

Sun, 07 Dec 2008 00:00:00 -0800

Jennifer Aniston, either through her own PR machinations or through the collective tabloid consciousness, is positioned as a hero of the dumped. Like Ripley in Aliens, she's locked in a never ended war against the fertile Alien, wasting her child-rearing years in cryo-sleep. Angelina Jolie, who plays the Alien Queen in this over-reaching metaphor, has been strung to the ceiling, permanently pregnant, crapping out little face-huggers left and right. Will Aniston find children with John Mayer or will she die in a lice-infested prison planet? Lines are being drawn in the sand. It's time you picked sides.

Outrage!

Tue, 02 Dec 2008 00:00:00 -0800

Vanessa has lost in the final round to the banal (and difficult-to-caricature) Brittany! I demand a recount!

Singled Out

Thu, 06 Nov 2008 00:00:00 -0800

Jenny McCarthy, Playboy's 1994 Playmate of The Year, Razzie Award winner, and amateur pathologist, has cured autism. Warding off the effects of an evil vaccination, a diet removed of wheat and dairy (with an assist by The Almighty) has stripped her six-year-old of any chance of competing in the maths and sciences and simultaneously stripped herself of any chance of getting a Frosted Shredded Wheat endorsement. Boyfriend Jim Carrey is no doubt thrilled that his talking-butt routine hasn't lost its magic but was simply ineffective against individuals with brain development disorders. Meanwhile, doctors have to deal with the McCarthy Effect, as the unvaccinated masses begin to spread a plague of measles, mumps, and dead babies.

This strip was inspired in part by Lily Tomlin in The Incredible Shrinking Woman, who fell onto her grocery cart, spilling just the right mixture of common household foods and cleaners, forming a hereto undiscover cocktail of chemicals which altered her molecules, causing her to shrink. The diagnostic and treatment process, as much as House, Foreman, Taub, 13, and Kutner might object, is not an exact science, and I applaud Miss McCarthy for her approach, if not her message, when all else had failed.

TTYN!

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Imagine all those audition tapes sent to MTV on a daily basis; a hundred thousand Real World rejects doled out to Making The Band, Next, A Shot of Love and now Paris Hilton's My New BFF. They aspire to top out at 22-years-old, spending the next couple years getting paid for appearances in college town clubs, Gauntlet challenges, and Maxim magazine photo shoots. How disappointed they must be, waiting to hear from Jonathan Murray, only to receive a phone call gaging how much they like Paris Hilton.

And did anyone tell Nicole Richie that Paris was back on the market? BFF is, after all, not only legally binding but binding in the eyes of God as well. In many states, a BFF is actually elligible for health insurance benefits. So you can understand why I was under the impression that she and Paris are bound in perpetuity.

As far as the competition goes, my money is on Vanessa to win the coveted role. Regardless of what the experts say, Paris bills herself as a modest woman, so the fact that Vanessa is a non-skank should appeal to her. She's also not going to show-up Paris. I'm betting on her average-ness. Corrie, on the other hand, is a major league slut who no doubt has a knot on the back of her head where the plastic surgeon tied back all that skin. As for Onch, he/she was far too luminous, like a transvestite Mork From Ork. If Onch was selected all the attention would be diverted from Paris, forcing introspection, causing her to whither and disappear, sending her back to her home dimension like Mr. Mxyzptlk saying his name backwards.