Celebrity Skinned

Hammertime

Tue, 27 Nov 2012 00:00:00 -0800

Hammertime

Tue, 27 Nov 2012 00:00:00 -0800

The Star Wars movies, which ended in a definitive way, apparently didn't end, because new movies are on the way. The thematic symmetry George Lucas established, is going to look like a Gordon Gartrelle sweater. Maybe by Episode XXIV, the story of Anakin Skywalker will be mere prologue to the epic adventures of Hammerhead or Walrus Man or even the devil.

What makes something "Star Wars"? Lightsabers surely. Incest? Definitely. Spaceships, robots, and aliens? You can't really trademark that. The same 100 characters whose action figures have been gathering dust in dad's basement for thirty years (and no, they're not worth anything so stop asking)? Bingo. Something tells me Disney didn't shell out four billion dollars for the right to tell stories about random space-faring swashbucklers.

As an aside, on a cost-per-character basis, how much did Bib Fortuna go for? Maybe $40 million?

One of the fun things about Star Wars was the vast universe it presented. Where around every corner there was something even more bizarre. The prequels showed us that simply wasn't the case. Travel light years and there's Greedo as a kid. When they continue to exploit the characters we know and love the universe gets smaller and smaller.

So I hope you like an Alec-Guinness-aged Mark Hamill teaming with Chewbacca's son Lumpy and the guy who made Boba Fett's jetpack. They're coming soon to a galaxy near you.

Downton Julie Brown

Tue, 30 Oct 2012 00:00:00 -0700

Downton Julie Brown

Tue, 30 Oct 2012 00:00:00 -0700

How can I convey the virtues of Downton Abbey, the 1920s melodrama, to a jaded 21st Century Nielsen family? I've tried comparing it to Melrose Place. I've tried pointing out the heat-index of the Crawley daughters (Edith, A.K.A. Jan Brady, notwithstanding). I may have even compared Molesley, the sheepish butler, to Boba Fett. But I can't seem to knock sense (and sensibility as the case may be) into them. The stench of Pride and Prejudice is just too strong.

The scene depicted in this comic is at least partially true. Crippled Mr. Bates hobbles into the house and the other servants act as if he's contagious (although I wonder if this is some kind of Polio concern... could look it up... nah). They wonder, can he perform the duties of a valet? Bear in mind, a valet in 1912 doesn't park cars. Bates is primarily responsible for brushing the Earl of Grantham's jackets. Brush them ragged. He also needs to select the appropriate cuff links for the occasion at hand. This is not physical work. He doesn't really even have to come into the office. He could do this job from home.

They fire Bates in the first episode because a cripple couldn't possibly be up to the task of folding laundry.

But they hire him back. Then his crazy wife makes him quit. But they hire him back. Then he goes to jail for killing his wife. But they hire him back.

So it goes in the palatial estate (not unlike Castle Grayskull) that is Downton Abbey.

Twiharder

Mon, 20 Aug 2012 00:00:00 -0700

Twiharder

Mon, 20 Aug 2012 00:00:00 -0700

To a man infidelity is nothing compared with emasculation. Rob Pattinson, being born English, was born emasculated, but imagine the indignity of castration via international press release. Kristen Stewart, being the man in the relationship, couldn't keep it in her pants it seems.

Pattinson and Stewart star in The Twilight Chronicles, which I believe is some kind of vampire show on The WB. Its fans, women really, who Trekkies call Twihards (because they are apparently retarded), have blown their collective tops. Vicariously experiencing this world, where sexy boys like them for their blandness, and then having the illusion shattered, was like having The Matrix plug pulled from your neck prematurely. As the fairy tale ends they say, "Not like this. Not like this." and then slump over lifelessly. I guess there's always The Hunger Games to satiate their perverted cuddling-without-sex fetishes and female power fantasies.

Searching for photo references, and cementing in Google's mind that I'm a 14-year-old girl, I unscrambled a Da Vinci Code like mystery. In all these red carpet photos, Pattinson is fixed on her, and she is never fixed on him. So for any speculation that their relationship was a clever ruse, I submit to you that they don't seem particularly clever. He was just a guy in love with a backwards girl, a girl with the sex drive of a man, a girl who gave up the pool boy for a fling with a responsible adult.

In the end I suppose it really was just a book about Vampires that sparkle in the sunlight.

Intergalactic Kegger

Thu, 05 Jul 2012 00:00:00 -0700

Intergalactic Kegger

Thu, 05 Jul 2012 00:00:00 -0700

Rip Torn, born Scratch Tearington, is a bit of a crazy person. In 1970, while shooting an experimental, improvisational film with Norman Mailer, he hit the guy with a hammer. In 2004, he threw a wrench at Justin Long. The last eight years have seen a slew of alcohol-related arrests, the most recent found him breaking into a bank at night with a loaded gun.

His absence in Men in Black 3 did serve the plot quite well but you have to wonder if they weren't just a little scared he'd go Lohan on them.

I never really considered that the whole premise of Men in Black is elaborate disguises (see Edgar-suit, the Arquillian mechanical suit, Mikey, Serleena, Griffin, you name it). And they're pretty clever at it. Which makes Mitt Romney, born Luis Conchita Ramirez (the result of selective politician breeding), an interesting candidate for alien incursion. While John Kerry was the first of the animate Duracell people to run for office, I feel this is a concerted effort to elect our first mandroid president.

Parker Schnabel Can't Lose

Sun, 04 Mar 2012 00:00:00 -0800

Parker Schnabel Can't Lose

Sun, 04 Mar 2012 00:00:00 -0800

Gold Rush is about amateur gold mining near the Arctic Circle, where in some places gold sits just under eight feet of dirt. It's about every man's dream to dig a big hole. Hell, as a child I dug The Great Pit of Carkoon in our back yard. By the next morning it inexplicably filled with leeches and Lando Calrissian was gone. I'm not joking about that. But the holes in Alaska are an even more expensive gamble. Todd Hoffman and a cadre of displaced workers dared challenge the permafrost for a shot at glory.

By the time the narrow, four month mining window had ended, they found themselves with 5oz of gold each. That's eight thousand dollars for four months work. That's a hair over the poverty level, bitches. That's the American dream.

Hoffman, whose blind faith in their *ahem* prospects, re-energized after every failure, is like Chicken Little with a ZZ Top beard. He knows gold is down there, but they find no gold. He's sure there will be 10oz in the next clean-out, they find four. He promises you there's a gold nugget the size of a pickup truck - no, seriously, he made that claim.

By the end of the second season, factoring the hundreds of thousands they spent on setup, they hadn't quite broken even. I'm sure in another year, they'll find themselves slightly better off than never having gone mining at all.

Chuck Mortis

Sat, 31 Dec 2011 00:00:00 -0800

Chuck Mortis

Sat, 31 Dec 2011 00:00:00 -0800

The Walking Dead is a mixed bag. On one hand, it has a great cast, and let's be honest, it's set in a zombie apocalypse which is really where all shows should be set (particularly Whitney). On the other hand, the writing is awful.

The characters, even the Asian guy, do really stupid things. Glenn, the aforementioned Asian guy, doesn't know what a pregnancy test is. Lori doesn't use the farmhouse bathroom to administer the pregnancy test, she pisses in the grass. The camera locks on her squatting as the music swells. It reminded me of one of those LOST slow-motion sequences, where everyone was smiling on the beach, and Hurley was eating nachos or whatever. No beach here though - just Lori, pants around her ankles, watering the tomatoes.

And another thing - self-reference, in any work of fiction, is surreal, "meta", even recursive. It works for Charlie Kaufman, but you can't have a Spider-man movie with Peter Parker saying, "Gee, this is just like in that Spider-man comic book." So, The Walking Dead exists in a world that has never had zombie-fiction. Other than Jesus, they've never heard of the living dead. They call them walkers. But Glenn makes a reference to Portal, a video game from a company called Valve. Valve also makes a game called Left 4 Dead, a zombie shoot-em-up. So, in this alternate realty, we know they never made 28 Days Later and Valve had a curious gap in their 2008 release schedule. It's like ~~a bad episode of~~ an episode of Sliders.

But the producers' worse sin is dragging their feet. They spent seven episodes tromping through the woods looking for Sophia. While this time could've been used to establish character background, they just keep talking about the same shit: we need to stay, we need to go, we need our guns. There are more important things to do with their time, like find out who starred in The Social Network, since Jesse Eisenberg, having no break-out role in Zombieland, was once again relegated to the movies Michael Cera turns down.

Green Harvest

Sun, 25 Sep 2011 00:00:00 -0700

Green Harvest

Sun, 25 Sep 2011 00:00:00 -0700

I don't fault George Lucas for constantly fiddling with Star Wars. He seems to genuinely believe that making Darth Vader say "No" at the end of Jedi improves the series (and satiates his need for thematic symmetry); that adding CG eyes to the Ewoks makes them more realistic; that Obi Wan's scary monster scream needed to sound like a drunk hillbilly. These are not the fiscally responsible actions of a shrewd businessman, to spend a couple million more on changes only the most devoted fans will recognize. Those fans are going to buy the Blu Rays regardless.

Whether or not Han shot Greedo first is literally a thing of legends. I can see splinter groups of Star Wars fans, devotees to the original edit forming their own denomination like Presbyterians or Lutherans. I wonder if this wasn't intentional on the part Lucas, being a disciple of Joseph Campbell, the mythology scholar. He set out to create a modern myth and here we are debating if Jesus shot first.

The incest in Star Wars is equally contentious. Did Lucas know they were siblings when he first wrote the script? Twins named Luke and Leia makes a lot of sense. Parents are cute like that. Going back to Campbell, I think he may have planned it all along.

There are numerous inconsistencies across the six films, and in a lot of ways, that's probably the best reason to give them a second viewing. And by second viewing, of course I mean a fifty-second viewing.

Donkey Punch

Sat, 20 Aug 2011 00:00:00 -0700

Donkey Punch

Sat, 20 Aug 2011 00:00:00 -0700

Sucker Punch is a witch's brew of post-pubescent stimulation: robots, zombies, and schoolgirls. Ridiculously awesome action sequences are randomly strung together by an Inception-like premise, each dream level a descent into ever abstract planes of female empowerment. And by that, I mean Hollywood's idea of female empowerment: dressing them up as whores and having them "kick ass".

The main character, Emily Browning's Babydoll, appears so jailbait, with pigtails, knee-socks, and some kind of Donald Duck sailor outfit, they even bother to flash her driver's license, so we know it's okay to perv on her. To make matters worse (or better depending on how you look at it), Babydoll has magical erotic dance powers that hypnotize men and astral-project her into high-concept action scenes. She's like Professor X, if Professor X had the mutant power of giving really good lap dances.

The rest of the cast is all garters, fishnets, and lollypops. Except for Scott Glenn. He wears a tasteful g-string.

The movie was a bit of a flop. Apparently their target demo, i.e. smut-loving sleazeballs, were too embarrassed to buy a ticket. Except for me of course. What can I say? I'm a sucker for complex allegories of female exploitation in post-industrial America.

I Read It For The Liquor Ads

Wed, 06 Jul 2011 00:00:00 -0700

I Read It For The Liquor Ads

Wed, 06 Jul 2011 00:00:00 -0700

Pay a woman for sex and it's prostitution. But do it in front of a camera and it's legal.

For 60 years, Hugh Hefner, has perpetuated a hyperbolic reality. He's the Marlboro Man. He's Charles Atlas. He's a mascot. He's a caricature - a self-help spokesman for the wonder-drug known as Playboy Magazine.

A porno publisher is a middleman that the last twenty years of technology did away with. Naked women have become ubiquitous. Sex tapes, nipslips, and Paparazzi upskirt shots have empowered the amateur. And this is when Hefner the mascot truly emerged, a P. T. Barnum showman, parading blonds instead of elephants.

The July 2011 issue would've been quite pedestrian, had it only shown Crystal Harris, pretty blond #3,607, with her mams hanging out. But concoct a "runaway bride" story, slap a seemingly impromptu sticker on the cover, and you might sell an extra 100,000 copies.

Democratic Caucus

Tue, 07 Jun 2011 00:00:00 -0700

Democratic Caucus

Tue, 07 Jun 2011 00:00:00 -0700

I've always been a big fan of Weiner. Ask anybody.

Anthony Weiner (D - NY) is a voice of reason in a political system mired in tactics and deception. He doesn't take any shit.

So, it's extremely unfortunate his recent shenanigans, sending TwitPic photos of well-stuffed boxer briefs to his constituents, will go down in history as the fat-finger heard around the world. It was an accidental reply-to-all that made a 2016 presidential candidate disappear in the wind.

If I recall, the Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky fiasco was objectionable on the basis of: if he broke vows with his wife, would he break vows with his country? He lied about that, would he lie about being a Soviet spy? Weiner is married - so I think we're to believe his wife wouldn't like this? But maybe they're swingers. Maybe they're sexual deviants who get off on sending crotch photos to unsuspecting victims - camel toes, banana hammocks, you name it. That sounds like a vow kept if you ask me.

The Office Space

Sun, 22 May 2011 00:00:00 -0700

The Office Space

Sun, 22 May 2011 00:00:00 -0700

With Steve Carell gone, will The Office go the way of Scrubs or The X-Files or That 70s Show, an empty shell with their main characters gone? Will the show be retitled Michael Scott's Family (and then, a season later, The Halpert Family)?

The Office's supporting cast can carry the show just fine without him, thank you very much. I'd even watch seven seasons of Creed Bratton sitting alone in a room.

But who will take the manager position?

Of all the guest stars in the seventh season finale, James Spader is the only one that could use a job. He's not funny-haha but he's definitely funny-strange.

Barring the fact that Andy Bernard is a buffoon and completely ill-equipped to manage, Ed Helms's high visibility in The Hangover makes him a strong contender. He's a movie star I suppose, and that recognizably could lead to new viewers.

But my personal pick is Pam. To see her character go from receptionist, to sales, to Office Administrator, and finally to Scranton Branch Manager would be a fantastic arc.

Bill Lumbergh need not apply.

A Palsy Move

Sat, 09 Apr 2011 00:00:00 -0700

A Palsy Move

Sat, 09 Apr 2011 00:00:00 -0700

Television, as a medium of fantasy, has historically steered away from anything unsightly. Conan O'Brien's appearance as host of Late Night in 1993 was an oddity, not because of his wacky brand humor but because of his cadaverous visage, like he was wearing a suit made from the flesh of a seven-foot-tall clown.

Unless you count TLC, there aren't a lot of handicapped people on TV (two-headed girls notwithstanding). So when Zach Anner, a cerebral palsy rockstar, bolstered by an enthusiastic internet voting block, found himself a finalist in Oprah's Your OWN Show competition, maybe it was time for a wheelchair-bound talk show host.

Zach is hilarious by the way. If an individual's sense-of-humor is born of a combination of intelligence and adversity, he must be some kind of genius.

Kristina Kuzmic-Crocco was probably Oprah's ideal candidate: attractive, approachable, and with eyes on the front of her face. When it came time to pick a winner, would Oprah go with the demographic-friendly safe bet? Or would she tell a handicapped kid to suck it?

Well, no, she totally copped out and they both got a show. Here's Zach's show promo.

Damonic Procession

Sun, 20 Mar 2011 00:00:00 -0700

Damonic Procession

Sun, 20 Mar 2011 00:00:00 -0700

Spoiler Alert! Come to think of it, can shit be spoiled?

Reason's why I hated The Adjustment Bureau:

Matt Damon.
The scene that inspired this strip: Terence Stamp tells Damon that if he doesn't break off his relationship with Emily Blunt, their destinies will change. His destiny being president and hers being the world's best dancer and choreographer. Not to incite a Juilliard School lynching but is that the best destiny they could come up with? She couldn't cure cancer? Become an astronaut?
It had that old Hollywood trope of the woman wrapped up in the sheet during lovemaking. Damon is humping on top of Blunt and she's wrapped up like a mummy.
The agents "powers" don't work around water. Are they the aliens in Signs? Or maybe the screenwriter accidentally set up unstoppable villains and needed a Kryptonite.
Damon is pretty brazen given the threat of having his brain "reset".
If you wear a special hat, regular doors become dimensional portals. Is there an objective reality at play here? Why can I believe a guy getting sucked into a computer in Tron but not magic hats?
The film ends with the antagonists saying they changed their minds, letting Damon and Blunt go about their lives.

Rise of The Dude

Wed, 02 Mar 2011 00:00:00 -0800

Rise of The Dude

Wed, 02 Mar 2011 00:00:00 -0800

Against all probability, I'm not a fan of The Big Lebowski. I don't think The Coen Brothers' intellectualism is appropriate for comedies. Droll? Sure. Ribald? Indubitably! It's like a Harold and Kumar movie written by Frasier Crane. They're auteurs, and this was a one-time rumination on a Los Angeles dopehead. So imagine their surprise when Tara Reid, renowned drunk, plastic surgery victim, and blink-and-you'll-miss-her actress in the aforementioned Lebowski, announced a sequel.

Tara's botched liposuction is a thing of legends. Like a pregnant woman who had the fetus teleported out of her, she struts the beaches, seemingly oblivious to the doughy gut that mars an otherwise pristine body. Her sequel claims are likely delusions of grandeur, hatched from a dried-out brain that still sees her as a bankable commodity.

She also claimed American Pie 4 is in the works. This one is much more likely. It's not like Eugene Levy would turn it down.

Pwned Stars

Mon, 31 Jan 2011 00:00:00 -0800

Pwned Stars

Mon, 31 Jan 2011 00:00:00 -0800

Pawn Stars was successful enough to warrant a virtual pornutopia of imitation pawnbroker reality shows like Hardcore Pawn which advanced the porn-related wordplay. The next knockoffs will naturally be called Interracial Pawn, Consignment Sluts, and Gayday Loans. Naturally.

They made a big deal that Charlie Sheen spent $26,000 on hookers in two days. Sheen makes around $43.2 million a year. His $26,000 expenditure is comparable to $30 for someone who makes $50,000 a year. That's downright thrifty.

The Sheen Saga has been an epic display of excess and cocksmanship. He was stocking a mansion with whores and mountains of cocaine. He was hospitalized for laughing too hard. Rehab? This man is having the time of his life.

Theater of The Mind

Sun, 16 Jan 2011 00:00:00 -0800

Theater of The Mind

Sun, 16 Jan 2011 00:00:00 -0800

America has fallen in love with Ted Williams, a terrifying homeless man with a deep voice. Those attributes taken separately don't get you an appearance on The Today Show. But this is a unique case - an opportunity to watch a drug addict choose between a mundane life with a regular paycheck or a swimming pool full of crack cocaine.

Matt Lauer seemed astonished a street beggar could be civilized enough to not hurl feces at his benefactors. Columbus's homeless are a cut above other cities I suppose - and talented too. For once it was nice to see my hometown in the news for something other than voting fraud.

But Lauer didn't offend the hobo-wunderkind. Quite the contrary - Lauer seduced him, as revealed on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.

It remains to be seen if Williams can triumph over adversity, to be the unremarkable DJ we know he can be. We'll be keeping our eyes on his progress - wait - it's over.

Hiatus

Sun, 04 Jul 2010 00:00:00 -0700

The comic is going on a prolonged hiatus following a particularly fiery apartment fire. It ruined the drawing board, pencils, and even my T-Square, which I've used as a prop sword ever since art school. Also, everyone died.

Hopefully, the comic will return leaner, meaner, and (if all goes according to plan) all-digital.

In the meantime, my Lovechild t-shirt is going to be available on teefury.com, a site that sells a new designer shirt every 24-hours (they have a countdown clock and everything), on Tuesday, July 6th! It's only $9!

Infringe

Wed, 10 Mar 2010 00:00:00 -0800

Infringe

Wed, 10 Mar 2010 00:00:00 -0800

Is Fringe an X-Files knock-off? Is the monster-of-the-week format owned exclusively by Chris Carter? Does the average viewer know the difference between paranormal and fringe science? Can you have an FBI unit, devoted to sci-fi cases, without thinking of Mulder and Scully? And don't get me started on Lance Reddick, the black Walter Skinner.

Its forth-wall-breaking location titles, set in J.J. Abrams Sans-serif, raise some interesting questions, the least of which being: did they give the makers of Panic Room credit?

Originally I heard the show billed as a procedural crime drama, like CSI but with fictional forensics (CSI's questionable realism not withstanding). In actuality, the entire show is a front to smuggle Australian actors into Vancouver.

One of these Aussies, John Noble, is the real standout on the show (a bunged-up boobaloo as they might say). Like Vincent Price, John Colicos, and Martin Landau, he is a ghoulish character actor; cadaverous, tactless, and perverse.

Will Fringe have legs long enough to jump the shark? Will there be, like X-Files, a protracted eighth and ninth season? The biggest enemy to the show is Fox (the network not the Mulder), who simultaneously loves and hates science fiction on television. They put out more sci-fi shows than any other network but are quick to throw them into the Friday Night Thunderdome, where they quickly die. But who better to survive the Thunderdome than a bunch of Australians?

The Rupert Jee Spot

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

The Rupert Jee Spot

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

David Letterman stood up to a blackmailer but everyone decided to cover the old man sex angle. Was there really any doubt that the guy who pervs on Hollywood debutantes for a living, would be tapping the interns? This isn't Jay Leno we're talking about. Dave is dark, depressed, and self-loathing. He makes Bill Murray look like a ray of sunshine. It would be scandalous if there wasn't infidelity in his life.

Is Letterman suddenly a hypocrite for decades ridiculing public figures caught with their pants down? Would we have our late night talk show hosts censor themselves to prevent such hypocrisy? That would mean no more gay jokes from Jimmy Fallon and Conan couldn't poke fun at child rape. Roman Polanski is back in the news and Conan just darts his eyes back-and-forth nervously. "Give this guy a break - he's made some terrific films." Beads of sweat form on his giant, waxy head...

Hasbromancer

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Hasbromancer

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Jennifer's Body went down faster than Diablo Cody at Tarantino's house. Since all girls hate Megan Fox and all guys would feel more comfortable buying a ticket to Ass Spankers 27, it's no surprise. This comes on the heals of the Transformers crew labeling her "trailer trash". That's about as obvious as me calling Ass Spankers 27 a "raucous ass-spanking thrill ride".

I'm of the opinion that movies should only be criticized in relation to their intended audience. This is how Transformers 2: Rise of The Fallen or whatever it's called, having delivered everything it promised (robots, explosions, racism, etc.) to its intended audience of brain-dead morons, could garner my thumbs up.

The actual scene satirized in the first panel of this comic featured right-handed Fox mounting a motorcycle, airbrushing a pin-up illustration with her left hand. Airbrushing is a time-consuming, meticulous craft, involving masks and friskets, and it's much easier to do when the gas tank is off the frame. It would be more plausible if she was painting an exact replica of The Mona Lisa with a paintball gun... with her feet.

This strip concludes my extremely un-timely summer movie series. At least I beat the DVD release, right?

Finding Nimoy

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Finding Nimoy

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0700

J. J. Abrams' Star Trek was covertly designed to placate the fans; its entire plot a cinematic no prize, a quantum mechanical reboot. Were they to simply recount Kirk and Spock's early days there could be no dramatic tension. We know how it ends. We've seen Kirk's straight blond hair turn brown and curly. We've seen him die, an old man, in a bizarre catwalk collapse.

I've postulated a sequel even more mired in continuity corrections, where even the disparate appearances between re-cast actors is explained away.

William Shatner's hair is a follicular legend. Like John Travolta, Nicolas Cage, and Bret Michaels, there has always been suspicion that a tribble-like toupee was involved. In the bald community, wearing such a "hair replacement system" is, of course, a treasonous offense. But if he were a violator, I say let Picard carry that burden. Kirk makes the rug look too good.

I'm of the opinion that Star Trek, and its 726 hours of television, is about the enlightened aspirations of humanity: science, tolerance, and peaceful resolutions. The Star Trek feature films are ostensibly about revenge (see 2,7,8,9,10, and the latest) - hardly an enlightened concept. That said, it was nice to see Trek get the big budget treatment. Perhaps in the forthcoming sequel the entire two hours will be an existential rumination on the duality of man... with lens flares of course.

Jon and Kate's Infinite Math Pun

Sun, 16 Aug 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Jon and Kate's Infinite Math Pun

Sun, 16 Aug 2009 00:00:00 -0700

One thing I can say about Jon & Kate Plus 8, the depressing reality show, is that it's boring as hell. The few episodes I've seen all seem to be about dragging the kids off to make cupcakes. Every single one of them. The recent tabloid scandal, on the other hand, was interesting enough to warrant 27 consecutive Us Weekly covers. It even inspired its own asymmetrical hairstyle!

In the first episodes of their fifth season, things went from boring to uncomfortable as the nature of the separation slowly revealed itself. A revolving door of guest appearances by TLC's finest personalities attempted to disguise Jon's disappearance. Kat Von D even showed up to give Kate a tramp stamp. But then the announcement was finally made, leaving bloggers cracking the math books for a punchline:

Jon Minus Kate Plus Eight
Jon Minus Kate, Caught Out Late
Jon Minus Kate Plus Skank
Jon Minus Kate Minus Eight Plus Some Other Chick (my personal favorite)
Jon Minus Kate Plus a Fatty Blunt (I have no idea)
Jon Minus Kate Plus One Lesbian Times Eight Pictures Divided By An Ex Equals Craptastic! (this one really got out of hand)

Thornton Hears The Who

Wed, 20 May 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Thornton Hears The Who

Wed, 20 May 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Billy Bob Thornton, the musician, caused a bit of a scene on the Canadian radio show Q TV with Jian Ghomeshi. Ghomeshi had the audacity to bring up the fact that Billy Bob is a famous actor. This caused Billy Bob to go all Joaquin for several minutes until Ghomeshi's transgression was finally revealed.

Thornton joins a long line of douchebags that can't wrap their heads around the notion that people wouldn't see Dogstar or 30 Seconds to Mars if it weren't because of Keanu Reeves or Jared Leto respectively. If you want to be an actress, don't be a pornstar first. People will never forget it. And if you want to be respected as a musician, for heaven's sake, be good. This is just common sense. At least The Bacon Brothers have the decency to put it in their name.

An alternate scenario puts Tom Petty in the hot seat at Inside The Actor's Studio. Before going into Petty's groundbreaking acting career in Kevin Costner's The Postman, James Lipton prefaces the interview, mentioning his footnote musical accomplishments "Into the Great Wide Open" and "American Girl". Petty of course goes ape shit.

Is Joaquin Phoenix's act starting to make sense? These actor-cum-musicians are worthy of parody but they certainly aren't worth listening to.

Face Time!

Sun, 12 Apr 2009 00:00:00 -0700

I seem to have a mutant super power. Far less useful than telekinesis or invisibility, I have the ability to pick runner-ups in reality television shows. Still better than Aquaman though...

Farewell, Mindy. You lost to a horse-faced woman with breasts the size of small moons, and a voice like an engine running without oil.

Never Go Full Retard

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Never Go Full Retard

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 00:00:00 -0700

We haven't had a president stick his foot in his mouth this bad for at least four months. And isn't that exactly the kind of joke Leno would tell?

Obama had the audacity to suggest contestants in Special Olympics are lower-scoring than their non-special counterparts. Of course, if there wasn't that distinction, you'd have guys in wheelchairs getting mowed down by Shaquille O'Neil - and basketball would be THE BEST SPORT EVER.

Since bowling consists of rolling a polished stone down a narrow lane, is this really the sport you want to hinge your argument on?. It's more of a sport than darts but somewhat less of a sport than hanging from a chin-up bar for twenty seconds. This is the sport where four-year-old girls luck-out and get strikes. You don't see these girls accidentally hitting three-pointers. If you did, basketball would be THE BEST SPORT EVER.

Could Barack have truly faced the conundrum presented in this comic? Where does a black man go when faced with an exception to his most holy stereotype? Kolan McConiughey, an amazing bowler from Ann Arbor, has the distinction of being both mentally handicapped and black, throwing the argument completely out the window. Of course, you could go with your third option: skip offending minorities and go straight to offending the 51% majority. Now, that's an executive decision - and an inoffensive wrap up truly worthy of Jay Leno.

Show Some Dharma Initiative

Thu, 19 Mar 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Show Some Dharma Initiative

Thu, 19 Mar 2009 00:00:00 -0700

LOST fan speculation has reached a frenzy. The recent reveal of the island's enormous Egyptian statue made heads explode across the country. Is it Anubis, the god of the underworld? Or possibly Taweret, an anthropomorphic hippopotamus fertility goddess? You know things have gotten out of hand when people start talking about anthropomorphic hippopotamus fertility goddesses.

If you don't watch LOST, you probably won't find this comic any funnier than those that do. To catch you up to speed, in the current fifth season, the show has descended into a full-blown time travel epic. LOST has added the Frozen Donkey Wheel to the pantheon of great time machines: DeLoreans, crossing proton-pack streams, traversing the sun at warp speed, etc. The lostaways have infiltrated the Dharma Initiative in 1977 and we have no doubt that shit will go down.

Hurley's new role as Dharma chef (as indicated by his well labeled jumpsuit) seems a bit apropos. Perhaps he will invent the McRib or more likely the Hot Pocket.

The Thorn

Sun, 01 Mar 2009 00:00:00 -0800

The Thorn

Sun, 01 Mar 2009 00:00:00 -0800

What is Bret Michaels hiding under that bandanna (and more recently, a bandanna/hat combo)? There are a couple possibilities:

He's hiding a perfect head of hair and wears the bandanna as a visual trademark.
He's hiding a full-on Jean-Luc Picard.
He's hiding hair plugs.
He's hiding a short haircut that one would expect from a 45-year-old man in 2009 and uses hair extensions to simulate a flowing cock-rock mane that one would expect from a 25-year-old man in 1985.
He's hiding a conjoined twin who goes by the name Kuato.

My obsession with 80s sci-fi action flicks knows no bounds.

Bret's reality show has been entertaining in the past, solely as an exercise in whoreish depravity. With the current third season, Rock of Love Bus, a woman serving another woman a tequila shot out of her hoo-haw has become predictable. Even Bret looks bored, knowing the true love he finds will inevitably be ended for the fourth season to begin.

In tradition of reality competitions in the past, I need to place my wager on the ultimate winner. Many have already been eliminated. The token black girl, Natasha, went far longer than black women have gone before, only to be dismissed under suspicion that she was actually a dude. Beverly seems like the obvious choice, because inexplicably, she listens to his music. But I'm putting my money on Mindy. She's in it to win it.

Mom Jeans

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 00:00:00 -0800

Mom Jeans

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 00:00:00 -0800

Jessica Simpson performed at a chili cook-off sporting some serious chunkage. In all fairness, those mom jeans would make Nicole Richie look fat (she's still skinny, right?). And her belt was some kind of double-belt, suggesting she was so fat she needed two (much like your mom). Leopard patterns and a muffin-top finished off the humiliation.

Perhaps her manager and lecherous father, Joe Simpson, forced her to eat a barrel of cream cheese to better connect with her new country music audience. When 50 Cent's rap career putters out he'll strap on the cowboy boots too - you just watch.

Meanwhile, Kim Kardashian used Fatgate as an opportunity to exist. Unlike Jessica, Kim's giant ass could only be explained as a mutation. Far less glamorous than tails and webbed-feet, it will be the disproportionate booty that all humans will have in a million years.

All things considered, if Ashlee's post-Bronx-Mowgli tightening is any genetic indication, I imagine Jessica will bounce back to her fighting weight in no time.

Hannah Melodrama

Sun, 28 Dec 2008 00:00:00 -0800

Hannah Melodrama

Sun, 28 Dec 2008 00:00:00 -0800

There was a time when having a large family was paramount to survival. You needed kids to help out on the farm. Now-a-days, putting little Timmy to work in the field, or in a mine, has been supplanted by putting him to work on The Disney Channel. Never has there been a more sophisticated whore-generating machine (unless you count this guy's lab).

Billy Ray Cyrus, having blown his riches on the world's most expensive Rachel, has turned to pimping out his daughter, in exchange for a recurring role and a Chris Gaines style soul patch. So now Miley's 16, "hanging out" with a 20-year-old underwear model, and it's time dad gives her the talk. This "talk" being illustrated above.

I, like most sixty-year-old women, blame this whole thing on the hormones they put in beef - not overly permissive parents. Statutory rape just means staying true to their country roots. Yee haw!

Wag The Dog

Thu, 18 Dec 2008 00:00:00 -0800

Now it's all coming together. Aniston is doing a dog movie. She's entered Charles Grodin territory!

Is it possible, in an effort to sell the one hundredth dog movie of 2008 to the studio, the producers concocted an elaborate cross-promotional effort involving mass tabloid publicity echoing the events of the film? Could her current visibility with John Mayer, on magazine covers, on Oprah, all be a scam? The commercials have the irrefutable proof: the main characters are named John and Jen, they make out in swimming pools, and finally, he's constantly emasculated. All this for a dog movie?

In Space No One Can Hear You Scheme

Sun, 07 Dec 2008 00:00:00 -0800

In Space No One Can Hear You Scheme

Sun, 07 Dec 2008 00:00:00 -0800

Jennifer Aniston, either through her own PR machinations or through the collective tabloid consciousness, is positioned as a hero of the dumped. Like Ripley in Aliens, she's locked in a never ended war against the fertile Alien, wasting her child-rearing years in cryo-sleep. Angelina Jolie, who plays the Alien Queen in this over-reaching metaphor, has been strung to the ceiling, permanently pregnant, crapping out little face-huggers left and right. Will Aniston find children with John Mayer or will she die in a lice-infested prison planet? Lines are being drawn in the sand. It's time you picked sides.

Outrage!

Tue, 02 Dec 2008 00:00:00 -0800

Vanessa has lost in the final round to the banal (and difficult-to-caricature) Brittany! I demand a recount!

Singled Out

Thu, 06 Nov 2008 00:00:00 -0800

Singled Out

Thu, 06 Nov 2008 00:00:00 -0800

Jenny McCarthy, Playboy's 1994 Playmate of The Year, Razzie Award winner, and amateur pathologist, has cured autism. Warding off the effects of an evil vaccination, a diet removed of wheat and dairy (with an assist by The Almighty) has stripped her six-year-old of any chance of competing in the maths and sciences and simultaneously stripped herself of any chance of getting a Frosted Shredded Wheat endorsement. Boyfriend Jim Carrey is no doubt thrilled that his talking-butt routine hasn't lost its magic but was simply ineffective against individuals with brain development disorders. Meanwhile, doctors have to deal with the McCarthy Effect, as the unvaccinated masses begin to spread a plague of measles, mumps, and dead babies.

This strip was inspired in part by Lily Tomlin in The Incredible Shrinking Woman, who fell onto her grocery cart, spilling just the right mixture of common household foods and cleaners, forming a hereto undiscover cocktail of chemicals which altered her molecules, causing her to shrink. The diagnostic and treatment process, as much as House, Foreman, Taub, 13, and Kutner might object, is not an exact science, and I applaud Miss McCarthy for her approach, if not her message, when all else had failed.

TTYN!

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 00:00:00 -0700

TTYN!

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Imagine all those audition tapes sent to MTV on a daily basis; a hundred thousand Real World rejects doled out to Making The Band, Next, A Shot of Love and now Paris Hilton's My New BFF. They aspire to top out at 22-years-old, spending the next couple years getting paid for appearances in college town clubs, Gauntlet challenges, and Maxim magazine photo shoots. How disappointed they must be, waiting to hear from Jonathan Murray, only to receive a phone call gaging how much they like Paris Hilton.

And did anyone tell Nicole Richie that Paris was back on the market? BFF is, after all, not only legally binding but binding in the eyes of God as well. In many states, a BFF is actually elligible for health insurance benefits. So you can understand why I was under the impression that she and Paris are bound in perpetuity.

As far as the competition goes, my money is on Vanessa to win the coveted role. Regardless of what the experts say, Paris bills herself as a modest woman, so the fact that Vanessa is a non-skank should appeal to her. She's also not going to show-up Paris. I'm betting on her average-ness. Corrie, on the other hand, is a major league slut who no doubt has a knot on the back of her head where the plastic surgeon tied back all that skin. As for Onch, he/she was far too luminous, like a transvestite Mork From Ork. If Onch was selected all the attention would be diverted from Paris, forcing introspection, causing her to whither and disappear, sending her back to her home dimension like Mr. Mxyzptlk saying his name backwards.