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August 20


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To a man infidelity is nothing compared with emasculation. Rob Pattinson, being born English, was born emasculated, but imagine the indignity of castration via international press release. Kristen Stewart, being the man in the relationship, couldn't keep it in her pants it seems.

Pattinson and Stewart star in The Twilight Chronicles, which I believe is some kind of vampire show on The WB. Its fans, women really, who Trekkies call Twihards (because they are apparently retarded), have blown their collective tops. Vicariously experiencing this world, where sexy boys like them for their blandness, and then having the illusion shattered, was like having The Matrix plug pulled from your neck prematurely. As the fairy tale ends they say, "Not like this. Not like this." and then slump over lifelessly. I guess there's always The Hunger Games to satiate their perverted cuddling-without-sex fetishes and female power fantasies.

Searching for photo references, and cementing in Google's mind that I'm a 14-year-old girl, I unscrambled a Da Vinci Code like mystery. In all these red carpet photos, Pattinson is fixed on her, and she is never fixed on him. So for any speculation that their relationship was a clever ruse, I submit to you that they don't seem particularly clever. He was just a guy in love with a backwards girl, a girl with the sex drive of a man, a girl who gave up the pool boy for a fling with a responsible adult.

In the end I suppose it really was just a book about Vampires that sparkle in the sunlight.