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March 01

The Thorn

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What is Bret Michaels hiding under that bandanna (and more recently, a bandanna/hat combo)? There are a couple possibilities:

  • He's hiding a perfect head of hair and wears the bandanna as a visual trademark.
  • He's hiding a full-on Jean-Luc Picard.
  • He's hiding hair plugs.
  • He's hiding a short haircut that one would expect from a 45-year-old man in 2009 and uses hair extensions to simulate a flowing cock-rock mane that one would expect from a 25-year-old man in 1985.
  • He's hiding a conjoined twin who goes by the name Kuato.

My obsession with 80s sci-fi action flicks knows no bounds.

Bret's reality show has been entertaining in the past, solely as an exercise in whoreish depravity. With the current third season, Rock of Love Bus, a woman serving another woman a tequila shot out of her hoo-haw has become predictable. Even Bret looks bored, knowing the true love he finds will inevitably be ended for the fourth season to begin.

In tradition of reality competitions in the past, I need to place my wager on the ultimate winner. Many have already been eliminated. The token black girl, Natasha, went far longer than black women have gone before, only to be dismissed under suspicion that she was actually a dude. Beverly seems like the obvious choice, because inexplicably, she listens to his music. But I'm putting my money on Mindy. She's in it to win it.

April 12

Face Time!

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I seem to have a mutant super power. Far less useful than telekinesis or invisibility, I have the ability to pick runner-ups in reality television shows. Still better than Aquaman though...

Farewell, Mindy. You lost to a horse-faced woman with breasts the size of small moons, and a voice like an engine running without oil.