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February 09

Mom Jeans


Jessica Simpson performed at a chili cook-off sporting some serious chunkage. In all fairness, those mom jeans would make Nicole Richie look fat (she's still skinny, right?). And her belt was some kind of double-belt, suggesting she was so fat she needed two (much like your mom). Leopard patterns and a muffin-top finished off the humiliation.

Perhaps her manager and lecherous father, Joe Simpson, forced her to eat a barrel of cream cheese to better connect with her new country music audience. When 50 Cent's rap career putters out he'll strap on the cowboy boots too - you just watch.

Meanwhile, Kim Kardashian used Fatgate as an opportunity to exist. Unlike Jessica, Kim's giant ass could only be explained as a mutation. Far less glamorous than tails and webbed-feet, it will be the disproportionate booty that all humans will have in a million years.

All things considered, if Ashlee's post-Bronx-Mowgli tightening is any genetic indication, I imagine Jessica will bounce back to her fighting weight in no time.