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December 07

In Space No One Can Hear You Scheme

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Jennifer Aniston, either through her own PR machinations or through the collective tabloid consciousness, is positioned as a hero of the dumped. Like Ripley in Aliens, she's locked in a never ended war against the fertile Alien, wasting her child-rearing years in cryo-sleep. Angelina Jolie, who plays the Alien Queen in this over-reaching metaphor, has been strung to the ceiling, permanently pregnant, crapping out little face-huggers left and right. Will Aniston find children with John Mayer or will she die in a lice-infested prison planet? Lines are being drawn in the sand. It's time you picked sides.

December 18

Wag The Dog

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Now it's all coming together. Aniston is doing a dog movie. She's entered Charles Grodin territory!

Is it possible, in an effort to sell the one hundredth dog movie of 2008 to the studio, the producers concocted an elaborate cross-promotional effort involving mass tabloid publicity echoing the events of the film? Could her current visibility with John Mayer, on magazine covers, on Oprah, all be a scam? The commercials have the irrefutable proof: the main characters are named John and Jen, they make out in swimming pools, and finally, he's constantly emasculated. All this for a dog movie?